When Healing Doesn't Happen

I recently attended a birthday party that got me thinking. I'd attended the same event for the same person 2 years ago, when I was in the throes of undiagnosed adrenal insufficiency. At that time I had been quietly wondering how much longer I had to live since it seemed apparent that there was something -big- taking me down. Despite focused efforts to address what we thought the issue was (a host of coinfections including lyme) things were only getting worse. I was trying to ignore my growing dis-ease, but it was a little scary.

When photos pop up on my phone that were taken during that strange time, it brings out some reflection in me, and I've been doing just that the last few days.

Two years ago, at that birthday party, there was another attendee, a dear friend of the host, who was in the final stages of fighting cancer. Despite her lack of hair and obvious illness, she was gracious and generous and full of life. She has since passed, though her traits live on strongly through those who knew and loved her.

Healing Happens

I was thinking about the mantra I've heard and embraced--"healing happens." For me, healing has happened in the last 2 years. I have to be mindful of a lot but I can function at a pretty normal level these days, and the dangerous imbalances in my endocrine system have been corrected. I'm no longer fearful that I might be dying in the near future. I am profoundly grateful for the healing I've experienced at multiple levels, and to me it's worth celebrating.

But I am also keenly sensitive to the situations where healing hasn't happened, at least in the ways it has been sought.

When my brother-in-law Ryan was diagnosed with aggressive brain cancer, there was nothing we wanted and worked for more than his healing. A lot of tender things happened during that time but in the end, his cancer was not healed and he passed away, leaving a dear wife and large family of young kids, and many others mourning.

Why did healing not happen for him? Or for the friend at the birthday party? Or for my step-dad who had ALS and died two months before our wedding? Or for any of the hundreds of kids I've worked with on pediatric cancer units during my time as a music therapist? I guess we could also boil this down to the age-old question "why do bad things happen to good people?"

I won't claim to be able to answer this question satisfactorily, but I will share my perspective.

That's Not Fair

First off, I remember talking about this very question with a supervisor in the hospital and she emphasized from her own experience that what's "fair" has very little to do with our trials in life.

For example, take the family with a sick child that followed all the protocols perfectly and did everything recommended above and beyond, and showed compassion and kindness to all throughout the process...and yet the child died.

And then take the family that neglected their child's care and perhaps even caused harm, and yet that child survived the illness. Comparing the experience of the parents alone, what's fair in that? And really, what's fair in the existence of any childhood illness? Nothing.

On a more personal level, is it fair that some of us struggle painfully with infertility while at the other extreme, others, for whatever reason, are bringing children into the world without a space for them to be loved and cared for?

My bet is that you don't have to look far to find an instance of exquisite unfairness.

But here's another, more important question--would I really want what was "fair" coming to me based on how I've behaved in every moment of my life? While I'm basically a decent person, I certainly have downfalls and weaknesses and have been the recipient of much grace, for which I am profoundly grateful. When it comes to my ultimate judgment and reward, I don't necessarily want "fairness" to win out. I'm hoping for and expecting a lot of mercy.

So let's first agree to just let go of the idea of fairness.

--If the argument of fairness is one you just can't get out of right now, hold a place deep inside somewhere that will invite you to revisit the idea sometime in the future, and be compassionate with yourself in the meantime.--

What It Means to Heal

Second, let's consider what healing actually entails since we usually have our own ideas about that anyway. I've wanted my healing to include my adrenal glands regrowing so I don't have to take daily steroids for the rest of my life, but that hasn't happened yet. I've certainly wanted my endometriosis and whatever else has caused my infertility to be fixed, but that hasn't happened yet either.

And yet, I feel that I have been the recipient of great healing. It's a little hard to describe, and it's ongoing, but it includes a physical and spiritual component. As a person of faith, I recognize a higher power than my own at play, while at the same time taking personal responsibility for my life choices and outcomes to a degree.

Part of my healing has included elements of being able to come to acceptance with certain parts of my life without being bitter. And part of it includes a growing faith and trust in God's longterm plan for me that soothes some of the pain. And part of it includes the fact that I'm no longer in a serious state of physical illness. A lot of it feels like power that heaven has given me to move forward. It's all healing, and it's all valid. And it's all very appreciated.

Whether you feel whole or in need of healing, I encourage you to reflect on the ways healing has been offered to you, even/especially if it means widening your perspective a little bit.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord."

-Isaiah 55:8

Don't Stop Asking and Don't Stop Trying

Having said all this and with an understanding that broadening our healing lens will be beneficial for most of us, I think it's also important that we don't abdicate personal responsibility for improvement. While no outcome is ever 100% guaranteed in this life--as too much undeserved tragedy speaks of-- much is still in our control.

That's where the lifestyle choices and individual effort comes in. If I had stopped with the initial doctor's recommendations for how to manage my adrenal insufficiency and not explored anything else on my own, I would still be struggling a lot more than I am now, because those recommendations left a lot to be desired as far as my quality of life.

While I recognize that Jesus Christ is the ultimate Healer and can do anything He chooses, I do think there are times when He wants us to provide some material that He can work with. That doesn't mean we can work ourselves to full healing and claim all the credit, and it honestly bothers me a little when I sometimes hear holistic practitioners speak in those terms.

Instead, I think it's more of a partnership. Whether it's physical, spiritual, emotional, or relational healing we seek...we do what we can, He does what He will in His divine love and wisdom, and in the end, there will be healing if we are seeking it. It may--and often does--look different from what we thought we wanted, but I believe that in the end, it will be much better than what we could have designed on our own if we're in partnership with Him.

So, even though I'm very sensitive to the suffering and the seemingly unanswered prayers that so many of us experience, I won't stop believing or sharing the message that healing happens. Because, in the ways that ultimately matter most, it can and it does.

For a unique perspective on autoimmune healing, infertility, and faith, follow The Chiropractor's Wife on Instagram @chirowifelife